You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
