just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
