I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
