Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
