When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
