i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My vagina is officially offended.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
