just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
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