you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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