Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
