I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize