don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Im part way to drunk.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Randomize
