hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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