I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
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