She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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