I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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