he thought i was a dude.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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