i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
