i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
