please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
