You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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