the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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