remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
vagina is talking i cant
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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