I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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