I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
