His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
