I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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