The maid of honor just puked.
they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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