Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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