my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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