Cold hands, warm shart.
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
look no pants
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
