Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize