I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
