He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
