Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
