Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Randomize
