is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
So squirting runs in the family.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
