WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
