Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
