I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
