he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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