i wish my penis had a tongue
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
