Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize