I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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