I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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