I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize