he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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