Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
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