if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
