hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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