I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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