if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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