mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
