this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
