I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
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