dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
