I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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