but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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