Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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