I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
