I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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