do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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