why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
