So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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