I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
the raccoons are back...
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