never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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